"Twice-Baked Spuds That Will Make Any Man Marry You" Recipe
“If you’re going to be in my kitchen you can’t just stand there. Here, do this.”
This is what my mom said to me every time she was cooking dinner at my house starting at about age six, and consequently how I learned to cook. It was always, “Do this. No, not like that - would you want to eat that crap?” Through fear of judgment she slyly injected a “cooking intuition” in me, which is all you need to know in order to cook anything, really. It’s all just taste buds and warmin-stuff-up-in-fancy-ways.
Since I’m from Idaho, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share with you a recipe featuring our “famous potatoes.” Haha, yeah I totally grew up on a potato farm. Oh yeah I’m da hoe? No you da ho hahahahaha yeah alright moving on.
So with my ma in my ear, I’m going to teach you how to make Twice-Baked Spuds That Will Wake Any Man Marry You. Yes, that’s the title of this recipe.
Keep in mind that the ingredients are listed from most essential to least essential. If there are some things towards the bottom of the list you don’t have, no problem. Let your taste buds do the work and don’t worry so much. You can use a similar alternative or just nix some of the stuff altogether. It’s still going to be edible. We’re just makin’ potatoes here, folks.
What you need:
-Idaho potatoes (Not California potatoes – sorry, California. It will say on the bag or the sign in the market. If they’re not grown in Idaho, throw it on the ground and in your shrillest voice demand Idaho potatoes.)
-olive oil (vegetable oil will suffice)
-butter (you want to do this right, RIGHT?)
-milk (or something “milky.” I’ve made this in the past with things like Ranch dressing or sour cream. I haven’t really tried it with nut or soy milks….If you want to be an experimenter I’ll let you make that mistake.)
-cheese (I know this is sort of in the middle of the list but it IS ESSENTIAL simply because cheese is bomb as fuck. Cheddar is the classic choice, but something like Colby or Pepper Jack would be the tits too. Get gourmet if you feel up to it.)
-salt and pepper
1. Okay, so once you’ve got your shit, set your oven to about 400 degrees to preheat. Wash your potatoes (they should be firm, not soft), and scrape off any little creatures that have tried to grow on the skin of the potato (it’s just nature doing it’s thing, calm down). Grab a knife and stab several holes in your potatoes and think about all the men that hurt you in the past and are NOT going to have to pleasure of enjoying your potatoes and marrying you.
2. Pop your now-ventilated potatoes in the microwave on high for approximately 5-10 minutes, depending on how good your microwave is, or until soft when poked with a fork or knife. Don’t try to put more than four potatoes in at a time, unless you’re an idiot. Idaho potatoes are biggins. That’s why we threw those California potatoes on the ground - they’re inferior. Side note: If you’ve got a lot of prep time, you can instead bake the potatoes in the oven for about an hour for this step. If baking in the oven, rub olive oil on the outside and wrap with tinfoil. *Fellow Idahoan’s note: add salt, homie.
3. Once your potatoes are fully baked, using a serrated knife, cut a chunk of the potato off, about one third of the way down, length-wise. If that doesn’t make sense, think of it like you’re making little potato boats. Throw the rejected chunks of potato into a large mixing bowl (we’ll repurpose that ish in two ticks). Using a spoon, carefully scoop out the inside of each of the potatoes, leaving a little more than just the skin on the sides. This boat has got to hold a lot of yummy stuff you know, so don’t go crazy and leave only a shriveled potato corpse. Maintain some of its dignity. Scoop all of the insides into your mixing bowl with the rejected chunks.
4. Now is time to make mashed taters! Wishing you paid attention to mom during Thanksgiving when she showed you how to do this? Well, it’s game time bitch. You’ve got to find a man. So let’s go. Grab a potato masher, hand-held mixer, spoon, whatever you’ve got to mash those spuds. Squash them with the souls of fuckboys past. Repurpose your heartache by adding loving ingredients for your new beau: Toss in your milky stuff (add little by little as you mix so it doesn’t get too soupy), butter (more butter if you’re substituting your “something milking” with something thick like sour cream), salt, pepper and paprika to taste, and CHEESE (make sure the man you’re seducing sees you mixing in the cheese. This is essential because nothing is sexier than melting cheese). Not all of your cheese though. Save a decent amount for later (good dating advice too). Mix and mash until it reaches the desired consistency. Do you like it creamy or more on the chunky side? I don’t know, personally I prefer brunettes.
5. Take your delicious mashed ta tas (I’ve run out of potato nicknames), and with a small spoon, put a hefty dollop of the mash into your each of your little potato boats. It’s going to be overflowing. That’s good.
6. Sprinkle remaining cheese on top, chop up your fresh garlic and chives, and throw that shit on. If you want to be extra fancy and show the dude you’re wifey material, or simply want more substance to your meal, you can add things like cooked bacon, shrimp, sautéed mushrooms, or broccoli to the top as well.
7. Arrange all of your potatoes on a baking sheet, and bake for approximately 15-20 minutes, or until cheese is melted and just starting to brown.
8. Remove from the oven and summon your man to tell you how beautiful your hot, steaming ta tas look. After he tastes them, the beauty of the potatoes and you will start to meld together, and soon enough he will always associate you with all the beauty in the world and will to propose by the next holiday. Congratulations on your new budding relationship. Serve with a side of your favorite protein, green salad, wine or beer, and your wedding Pinterest board to get the ball rolling.